


it's gotta get easier somehow ('coz, i'm falling, i'm falling)

by mischiefmanaged95



Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alpha Bucky Barnes, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based off prompt, Belly Kink, Bottom Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Claiming Bites, Depressed Steve Rogers, Emotional Sex, Endearments, Hurt Steve Rogers, Kissing, Knotting, M/M, Making Love, Mates, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Miscarriage, Omega Steve Rogers, Past Miscarriage, Pet Names, Possessive Bucky Barnes, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Protective Bucky Barnes, Recovered Memories, Safe Sane and Consensual, Soul Bond, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Stucky - Freeform, Top Bucky Barnes, True Love, implied suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-12-01 00:53:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11475177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mischiefmanaged95/pseuds/mischiefmanaged95
Summary: Bucky doesn't remember being Steve's alpha.Until he does.~~~Based off this wonderful anon prompt I received:ABO Stucky where Bucky doesn't remember being Steve's alpha until Steve runs out of the scent blockers and heat suppressants he used to hide his depression over losing his alpha and not deal with heats alone. He thought he'd be alright to deal with his untimely heat, Bucky on a mission for another week. So Steve could whimper and cry out for his alpha in peace while using toys. But Bucky comes home and the scent of Steve in heat brings EVERYTHING back.





	it's gotta get easier somehow ('coz, i'm falling, i'm falling)

**Author's Note:**

> Gaaah, I've been so excited to write this. I hope it pays off. Any mistakes are my own. I own no one. The song belongs to Imagine Dragons - Not Today.
> 
> Also, seen as both Bucky and Steve have had the serum (even if Bucky's is different - they're both super soldiers), the serums takes care of their health, so they don't need to use condoms as they're always in fighting health and are unable to get ill. Aside from in ABO, where they do, if they're not planning for children. And if not, Steve's on the pill, though of course, that can fail too. 
> 
> This is a work of fanfiction, so please remember to stay protected, have check ups and practice safe sex! While it is your body and you can choose to do whatever you want with it, protecting yourself should always come first.
> 
> Let's assume that in here, though it's not stated in the story, that Steve is on the pill!

* * *

_“There she goes in front of me,_

_Take my life and set me free again,_

_We’ll make a memory out of it,_

_Holy road is at my back,_

_Don’t look on, take me back again,_

_We’ll make a memory out of it…”_

 

When Steve and Bucky bonded, Steve thought he’d never be alone again. He’d never have to face the cold nights in a bed too big for just one person. In his dreams, he had Bucky by his side, his smile, his  _warmth_. And he thought that it would always be like that in life. That he’d wake up next to Bucky, fall asleep next to him. Safe. Warm. Protected. Like it was them against the world.

And it was…until the war came and took everything from him.

Steve accepted his fate, putting himself in the ice. He thought that would be it. But then he woke up to a new world with flashing lights, loud music, bright colours and the bustle of New York, knowing no one. Time past and he got used to the new people in his life. Natasha was like a sister he never had, Tony a friend that he bickered with but would die for and fiercely protect, Sam, a brother that he would lay his life down for. The same for Clint, for Wanda, who filled the space of a child he had once thought he’d have of his own, for Thor, for Bruce, for Pietro, Maria, even Fury. Along with all of those people came others, Peter, Rhodey, Vision, Scott, Happy, the list when on and on.

And those people filled the holes in his fragile heart. They melded in well with the blue of Bucky’s eyes and the red of Peggy’s dresses. They made him feel warm like his mother’s hugs and his father’s laugh. He still saw Howard whenever he looked at Tony for too long and if he thought about it too much, he saw Dum Dum’s eyes in every soldier’s eyes. He still heard Monty whenever someone made a joke about the devil, Morita when they played cards, Jacques when they had karaoke night and Gabe whenever they went dancing.

But it was better.

He was smiling more.

He was  _living_.

And then Bucky came back and Steve thought he’d have everything he wanted. But life had a knack for screwing him over. This time, it was the worst.

Bucky didn’t remember their bond. He didn’t remember the nights spent wiping Steve’s tears away after his mother died. He didn’t remember kissing Steve until he was red in the face. He didn’t remember making love as the world around them faded away.

All he remembered was their friendship. After they hit their 20’s it was all gone.

And that, that hurt worse than the 70 years in ice.

 

_“We finally fall apart and we break each other’s hearts,_

_If we wanna live young love we better start today…”_

 

Steve had taken to spending his heats alone, locked up on his floor. Before Bucky came back. When he did, and it was clear that Bucky didn’t remember, he started taking heat suppressants and scene blockers to hide them. They also masked his feelings, so he smelt neutral all the time. No one suspected a thing, at least, if they did, they didn’t tell Bucky. And for that, Steve was glad.

Bucky had enough on his plate than dealing with Steve and his emotional baggage. Besides, he was on another mission with Wanda and Clint. This time, Steve would spend it properly for the first time in months.

“Steve, don’t do this,” Sam said to him on the night before his heat was due, “please, just tell Barnes. He’ll wanna know. He’ll help you –

“No, I can’t,” Steve shook his head, feeling like he was about to cry all over again. He had been all evening. “They used to tell us stories of what it was like to lose a bond mate. It was like losin’ half your soul.”

“Steve –

“I didn’t feel that when Bucky fell, I thought maybe there was somethin’ wrong with me. And now he’s back, I understand what they meant. They meant it might not feel like you’ve  _physically_  lost anything, but it feels like your heart has been ripped out of your chest. Like somethin’ has taken the thing that made you see in colour and painted it all grey,” Steve said, tears falling down his cheeks. “I can’t tell Bucky if he doesn’t remember. What if he feels that, but doesn’t remember why or who for? It’s best this way.”

“Why, so you hurt all alone?” Sam asked protectively, “you don’t deserve it, you don’t –

“I do Sam, I do. I let him fall, if I hadn’t then maybe –

“Don’t you do that,” Sam growled, “you had no idea. You had no idea. Steve. Please, listen to me, just talk to him. He misses you. He hardly sees you.”

Steve shook his head and sniffed, “he’s better off without me, Sam.”

Sam stayed with Steve until the morning. When Steve’s heat hit, he locked all the doors and windows. He had everything he’d need with him.

And so, Steve sat, back pressed against his apartment door, blankets wrapped around him, alcohol in one hand and Bucky’s picture in the other. And there, in the darkness of his room, he sobbed himself to sleep. _“_

 

 _"_ _It’s gotta get easier, oh easier somehow,_

_Cause I’m falling, I’m falling,_

_Oh easier and easier somehow,_

_Oh I’m calling, I’m calling,  
_

_And it isn’t over unless it is over,  
_

_I don’t wanna wait for that,  
_

_I_ _t’s gotta get easier and easier somehow,  
_

_But not today,_

_Not today…”_

 

Sometimes, Steve could kid himself into thinking that Bucky would remember someday. But the reality of that happening was scarce. T’Challa had told him a long time ago. Steve just needed to accept that.

But he couldn’t.

Every time he saw Bucky, he felt like his heart was being ripped out. That’s why he stopped socialising with the team. He couldn’t take facing Bucky. It hurt too much. So, he threw himself into missions and work, to keep away from home. Bucky assumed it was Fury overworking him. At least, that’s what Sam told him.

Steve never bothered to correct him.

But being in heat, only reminded him of Bucky. In his heat reddened mind, all he could see and feel was Bucky. He was in pain all the time. It felt like someone had stabbed him in the heart, like he was about to die, is what it felt like. For days, he stayed in bed, crying himself to sleep. Heats messed with his emotions and because he hadn’t had one for a long time, this one was undoubtedly going to be the worst.

And for the most part, Steve was handling it. He ate when needed, showered and tried to soothe his aches and pains. He tried to stop his body from shivering and sweaty, from aching in places he knew would never be touched by Bucky. He replaced Bucky’s hands with his own and his alpha’s knot with toys. And they helped. For a while, until they didn’t.

 

_“There she goes in front of me,  
_

_Take my life, set me free again,  
_

_We’ll make a memory out of it,  
_

_Holy road was at my back,  
_

_Don’t look on, take me back again,  
_

_We’ll make a memory out of it…”_

 

It was the third day when he woke up sensing something was wrong. There was a voice outside his door, yelling. But he couldn’t make out what they were saying. He fell asleep, falling into darkness once again. All that awaited him there though, were demons and nightmares. When he dreamt, it was to his old apartment in the 40’s and pre-war Bucky smiling down at him.

And when he woke, he let out screams into his pillows as his heart shattered over and over again, until there was nothing left by a hollow hole.

 

_“We finally fall apart and we break each other’s hearts,_

_If we wanna live young love we better start today…”_

 

On the fourth day, there was more banging. This time, Steve opened the door to find Sam there. At first, Sam had doubled back, the smell of sweet omega seemed to cloud his vision. But he regained control and looked at Steve with a protective look, worried look.

“What’s wrong?” Steve slurred, “are the scent blockers not workin’?” Steve had put blockers outside his room so no one would be bothered by the smell of him in heat.

“No, it’s – they’re working fine,” Sam said, “it’s Barnes, Steve. He’s coming back sooner than expected.”

Steve’s heart dropped, tears sprang to his eyes and suddenly his hands were shaking, “don’t tell him, Sam. Please don’t tell him, please, Sam.”

Steve broke down and started crying, even as Sam helped him clean up and fed him. Sam stayed with him until Steve had fallen asleep again on the sofa. He promised Steve he wouldn’t say anything, so against his better judgement he left the room, leaving Steve to sleep soundly.

He told Jarvis to lock down the apartment again and put the scent blockers back in place just in time.

He hoped it would be enough to throw Bucky off.

 

_“It’s gotta get easier, oh easier somehow,  
_

_Cause I’m falling, I’m falling,  
_

_Oh easier and easier somehow,  
_

_Oh I’m calling, I’m calling,  
_

_And it isn’t over unless it is over,  
_

_I don’t wanna wait for that,  
_

_I_ _t’s gotta get easier and easier,_

_So, come with me…”_

 

It worked. Or so, Sam thought. Bucky was a strong alpha after all and one who had dealt with 70 years of secrets. He knew a lie when he saw one. The minute he got home, he was grilling the team into telling him where the hell Steve was – he’d had enough of this hide and seek game.

But they didn’t tell him. Of course, they didn’t. In the end, he forced his way up to Steve’s apartment door and knocked.

“Steve, open up. It’s Bucky, we need to talk –

There was a moan from inside the room and Bucky’s faded, unnoticeable link to Steve flared. He stumbled back, boot knocking into something lined on the floor outside Steve’s room. A scent blocker. In a haze of confusion, desire and fear, he ripped them away from Steve’s door and the overwhelming smell of depressed, distraught, needy omega in heat hit him.

He could see it all, in flashes of bright colours, reds and pinks, the hues of Steve’s eyes as they bonded, the way Steve felt inside, those lips on his own, hands clawing at his back.

_“I love you Stevie,” he remembered whispering._

_“I love you too, Buck,” he remembered Steve moaning._

He could remember falling in love with Steve, kissing him for the first time, treating him to secret dates at home – of food and wine that he bent his back over trying to afford even if Steve protested –

_“We can’t afford this Buck!”_

_“Don’t worry about that, I did some over time.”_

He remembered making love to Steve, he remembered their silly arguments, Steve crying, he remembered being comforted by Steve when he had a nightmare way back when.

“ _Jarvis_ ,” Bucky growled, alpha pheromones washing over him. He needed to get inside. His omega was crying out for him, even if he didn’t know it. He could hear those desperate whimpers, see his sweet, Stevie’s tears. He could feel the brokenness of Steve’s heart.

“Open the door,” he snapped at the AI when the door didn’t open.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Barnes but Captain Rogers requested that –

“Dammit to hell.  _I_  am his alpha. Override it,  _now_ ,” he snarled. For a moment, silence flooded the floor and then the click of the door unlocking sounded.

Bucky pushed it open, slamming it shut behind him, locking it from the inside. Everywhere smelt of Steve. His sadness and depression. He could quite literally  _smell_  the suicidal thoughts on his omega. Anger flared in his chest, how had he missed this? How had he not seen how broken Steve was?

“ _Steve_ ,” he growled loudly, following the sounds of Steve’s heartbroken whimpers. He was led to Steve’s room but it was bolted shut. Of course, it was.

“Steve, Stevie, open up, baby,” Bucky crooned through the door, shaking his head, trying to control his alpha instincts. He needed to keep himself in check. He couldn’t bear to hurt his love.

From inside, he heard more sobbing noises, until Steve’s voice sounded, “B-Buck?”

“Yeah, yeah, baby it’s me, open the door,” Bucky said, hands itching to punch the barrier between them down.

Steve inched towards the door and let out a small cry at the smell of his alpha being so close. Bucky growled protectively, he  _needed_  to be in that room, looking after his baby.

“Stevie, sweetheart, it’s me. Please let me in,” Bucky pleaded with his trembling omega. Steve shook his head though Bucky couldn’t see him.

“You’re not…you don’t remember,” Steve sobbed, slick soaking his boxers at the smell of his alpha’s scent, like pine, burning wood, leaves,  _protective_.

“I do, I do, baby, I do,” Bucky said, hands pressed against the door, “I told you I loved you on your 21st birthday. We made love for the first time that night. There were fireworks at the time. You were so sweet and beautiful, you always have been, always will be.

I wanted to propose to you before I went off to war, I wanted to make sure you’d be safe and protected by my promise. But I…everythin’ happened so fast. I…I thought I’d lost you forever when I went off and was trapped with Zola. Your favourite food durin’ your heat is ice-cream and not the vanilla kind, you like caramel. You like to watch films when you’re like this and hate it if I leave you for too long.

You like the smell of strawberry soap durin’ your heat but hate it if the lemon one would come. You couldn’t wake up before nine the day after your heat. The sunlight hurt a lot of the time durin’. You liked smellin’ like me even if you didn’t admit it. You…got pregnant the first time we made love, sweetheart. We lost her though. Oh, Stevie. I’m so sorry. Your little body, you were so sick…”

The door’s lock clicked. Slowly, very slowly, the door opened. There, stood Bucky’s omega. In nothing but one of Bucky’s shirts that Sam had snuck to him and a pair of boxers. His face was wet with tears and his hands were shaking, but his eyes were wide open.

“B-Buck?”

Bucky growled, protectiveness winning and he all but crowded against Steve, scooping him up into his arms, just when Steve’s legs looked as though they were about to give out. The sound Steve let out against Bucky’s neck, a mewl so broken and sweet, had Bucky kicking the door shut loudly, to keep anyone else from seeing his omega so vulnerable.

“ _Baby_ ,” Bucky purred, wrapping his arms tightly around Steve’s frame, as the blond wrapped his legs around Bucky’s waist, hands clutching onto Bucky’s uniform. “Oh, my sweet baby. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I love you, I love you so much.”

Steve hiccupped over a sob and buried his face in Bucky’s neck. His alpha was  _home_. After too long without him, his alpha was here to look after him. “ _Bucky_ ,” he cried, heart pounding in his chest. He felt whole again. His heart stopped falling and began soaring. “Bucky, Bucky,  _alpha_  –

“Shhh, shhh, I’m here, darlin’,” Bucky cooed, rocking Steve like he was something precious (which he was), “I’m here, I’m never goin’ anywhere without you again. Never leavin’ you. I love you. I love you. Oh, baby doll. Don’t cry, sweetheart. I remember, I remember it all.”

“You do?” Steve whimpered, looking up at Bucky, cupping his face with his shaking hands, sleeves too long for his arms, just a little.

Bucky growled and carried Steve over to the bed, crowding him onto the mattress, “I do, love. I do.” He nosed at Steve’s bond mark, faded but there. “How could I forget my baby? How, Stevie? I’ll never do that again.”

Steve let out a sob again and started crying in earnest, overwhelmed. “You’re r-really here,” he stammered, clinging onto his alpha, “you’re here w-with me.”

“’Course, I am,” Bucky said, holding Steve closer, “I’m right here, sweetheart.” And then, finally, Bucky’s lips were on Steve’s. Bucky slid his thigh between Steve’s parted legs and prompted the blond to rut against him, which he did, coming in his boxers.

They had all night to make up for lost time.

 

*

 

“Bond with me again,” Steve begged once they were rid of their clothes and kissing again. Bucky had already made Steve come three times just from his hands and mouth.

Steve couldn’t help how overwhelmed he felt, having his alpha back with him. It felt like all the lights in the stars had fallen onto his body and swept him up into the sky. Like he finally made sense again. His feet found the ground. And he was safe. He was  _home_.

“Are you sure?” Bucky asked, concerned, “we can wait –

“No! Please, please,” Steve begged, rocking on the metal fingers that were currently opening him up. “Please, please,  _please_ ,” he cried out, he didn’t know what for exactly – for more fingers or for Bucky’s teeth, either way he got what he wanted.

Just as Bucky slipped a fourth finger into Steve, stretching him wide, his teeth met Steve’s neck, reopening the bond. Just as Bucky’s fingers brushed against Steve’s prostate, jolting Steve’s body as he came again for the fifth time that night. They prodded and pressed wonderfully against that sweet spot, muscles opening up beautifully for Bucky as his teeth sank into his skin. Light flashed before Steve’s eyes and memories washed over him, he relived every moment with Bucky then, over and over.

He could feel Bucky becoming a part of him, comforting him. He had never felt more whole. It was like finding the right key to the right door and breaking out into something brighter, faster and better. Finding yourself in a new world, discovering the taste of chocolate for the first time, riding a roller coaster for the first time, the dip and tug and pull of your stomach as you scream at the highest point.

He felt  _loved_.

As Bucky licked and sucked at the new bond mark, his fingers slipped free and instead, he purred, breathlessly, “ready, sweetheart?”

Steve groaned and nodded, “please alpha.” He was producing more and more slick and his tits felt puffy and sore but had been sucked on by Bucky for hours, so it was a good kind of feeling.

And then there was a thick cock at his entrance and Bucky pushed in slowly. When he bottomed out, hips flush against Steve’s ass, Steve came again.

And then, Bucky was braced over Steve, lips inches from his. Hair sweaty around them, eyes bright and dark. “Fuck, baby, you’re so tight, so tight. All mine. My omega, my pretty, sweet baby,” Bucky babbled as he picked up the pace, pounding into Steve, unable to hold back.

“ _Yes_!” Steve cried as Bucky’s cock began hitting his prostate, “yes,  _yes_ , I’m yours, I’m yours, all yours, oh, oh,  _oh_ , oh,  _oh_ , B-Buck, alpha  _I_  –

He cut himself off as a sob left his lips.

“Come for me again, sweetheart and I’ll knot you,” Bucky growled, slamming into Steve, so much so the bed was rocking against the wall loudly. Steve let out a broke sob as he came between them. He clenched around the cock inside him and then, he felt it.

The swelling of Bucky’s cock, the knot catching on the rim, holding him open and tying them together as Bucky pulsed, thrusting hard one last time, coming inside him, filling him so much so, his stomach curved a little and sloshed. Steve was pretty sure he had screamed himself hoarse with all the moaning he’d done, but it was worth it when he felt Bucky claiming him as his own.

“Fuck,” Bucky cursed, falling against Steve, hand pressed to Steve’s stomach, “I can feel myself here. All up inside you. That’s so fuckin’ hot.”

“I love you,” Steve said, breathless, “I love you, I love you.” His heat was momentarily satisfied and in his clear minded head, he clung to Bucky and clenched around the cock inside him again.

“I love you too, honey,” Bucky smiled down at him, breathless. “You were goin’ through this all alone. Never do that again, doll. You gotta tell me. I coulda been helpin’ all these months –

“It’s okay,” Steve replied softly, “it’s okay.”

Bucky let out a growl and shook his head, “you let Sam in.” Instinctively, Bucky’s hips snapped forwards, driving his knot in deeper right against Steve’s prostate.

Steve giggled and squealed when Bucky slapped his bubble butt, “he only stayed when I was  _sad_ , Buck. Nothin’ more than a friend helpin’ me.”

Bucky made a grumbling noise, “no more. I’m here now.  _I’m_  your alpha. I’ll take care of you.”

Steve smiled through his tears, “I know you will, Buck.”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!


End file.
